Do-able Tips for a Better Relationship
Martin Seligman, researcher/psychologist specialising in happiness (www.authentichappiness.org) says his all time best four relationship books are:
- Reconcilable Differences Christensen and Jacobson
- The Relationship Cure by Dr John Gottman & Joan DeClaire
- Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan Blumberg
- With the best of the best being – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman & Nan Silver (see also www.gottman.com)
Gottman says people in good marriages devote an extra fivehours/week to their marriage. The five hours consists of:
• |
partings – before you go, find out 1 thing each other is going to do that day (two mins) |
• |
re-unions – at the end of each day have a low stress re-union conversation (two mins) |
• |
affection – (five mins) |
• |
weekly date – relaxed, just the two of you (two hours) |
• |
admiration and appreciation – at least once /day give genuine affection and appreciation (five mins) |
Do not scrimp on the attention you give to one you love –it needs quality and quantity.
Listen, be affectionate and keep in mind the others irreplaceability ie. that they are one of a kind.
Some quotes to reflect upon...
"Stop all shame, blame and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed."
— Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want
"Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you're very involved with your partner's mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right."
— John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Relationship Cure: A five Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
"When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you're sorry for what you've said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner."— Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of The Weekend Marriage
"With books on the market like ‘How to Make Love Like a Porn Star’, one of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn't have to make love like a porn star. You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused."
— Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First
"All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don't tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you'll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks."
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist and author of fivetwo Lessons on Communicating Love
For those wanting to deepen a healthy relationship I would highly recommend exploring the world of tantra. Sydney based, sensitive and highly skilled teachers in this field are Kerrie and Diane Riley. For more information see www.australianschooloftantra.com.au.
By Sharon Lenon
Sharon is a business and wholistic coach with Illuminate Wholistic Coaching.
|
